Top 10 Songs Under One Minute

My criteria are as follows:

• Only reasonably well-known songs.
• No jingles or theme songs. This means that I had to remove the Dethklok theme from my list, unfortunately.
• The length of the track as it appears in an album absolutely must be under 1:00. This excludes a lot of good material at e.g. 1:05 and 1:15, but c’est la vie.
• No interviews/sketches/speeches/thematic intros.

Enough already; let’s get to it! Click the links for YouTube links to the different songs.

10 – Dead Kennedys – A Child And His Lawnmower

This is a good ol’ punk song. I’ve never been a big fan of DK but the humor is excellent and the style is interesting. Not worth more than a 10th place here, though.

9 – The Misfits – Demonomania

If I were a cynic I’d say that this song is a good example of The Misfits’ music since many songs sound pretty similar. Good thing I’m not, eh?

8 – Bad Religion – 52 Seconds

Bad Religion rocks! Too bad that this song is rather dull; it only gets as high as an 8th place because it’s a Bad Religion song.

7 – Stormtroopers of Death – What’s That Noise

Okay, okay! This song is pretty much only speech with some jingle-like riffs. But I can’t leave it out!

6 – Stormtroopers of Death – Fuck The Middle-East

Well, I can’t agree with the message of the song. But it’s damn catchy and a good song despite its length of less than half a minute!

5 – Flogging Molly – The Wrong Company

A capella songs count. And that’s a good thing – otherwise this funny and pleasant song wouldn’t have made the list. To tell the truth I had never bothered listening much to it before I compiled this list.

4 – Stormtroopers of Death – Ballad of Jimi Hendrix

There are dozens of S.O.D “Ballad of” songs I could have chosen, but I selected this one because it’s the first one I heard. Awesomeness!

3 – NOFX – Murder The Government

This video misses the first couple of words. If you’re wondering, the complete first line is “I wanna see the constitution burn.” Ah, nostalgia!

2 – NOFX – Monosyllabic Girl

This is an extremely cute and catchy song by NOFX, the masters of short melodic punk songs. Sure, a lot of metal bands do the whole “growl growl grind grind” song-in-ten-seconds thing but that’s not a proper song in my view.

Now onto number one…

1 – Blink 182 – Happy Holidays You Bastard

Good band! Good song! I’m not sure if it’s truly better than the NOFX songs but given the end-of-year theme in this post I couldn’t let it slip any lower.

There are other top 10 short songs lists around (such as this one featuring not a single song I’ve ever heard of) but I can guarantee that my list is the best! Or at least very good! Or pretty nice, at the very least! Or possibly decent. Maybe just a little bit crap. It might be rather horrible, come to think of it…

Just look at the bands…

• NOFX
• Bad Religion
• Flogging Molly
• Lagwagon
• Moderat likvidation
• De lyckliga kompisarna
• No Fun At All
• Randy
• And so on…

I am aware that you might be culturally handicapped and unaware of the greatness of the latter four Swedish bands, but I trust that everyone has heard of NOFX, Bad Religion and Flogging Molly at least. Those three are enough to make me feel hot and bothered; the rest is a great bonus.

Feel like tagging along? The problem right now is that it’s been half a decade since I last knew people I could convince to come with me on events like this. I don’t fancy the idea of being the old bastard in a crowd of pretentious little 16-year-old punks, but trust me: even if I have to go alone, I am definitely attending this festival!

I think…

I don’t know if I’m more impressed by the geekiness of the project, or by how the author decided to show off a sucky Zelda tune that tries to sound vaguely guitar-based. I mean, given the wonderful songs available for the C64, it’s pretty impressive how he picked a song that sounds…pretty meh.

The second part of the video shows a more classical SID-style song, though. Make sure you check it out!

The festival was quite pleasant although it lacked that certain…OOMPH; there weren’t many bands that I was dying to see. Aerosmith were surprisingly good, and it was great to see Blind Guardian. McQueen and Pretty Maids were pleasant surprises, as were REO Speedwagon and Axel Rudi Pell…but all in all most bands were “just” good. I’ll name a few more bands I saw; with some luck I just might make some of you jealous: Heaven & Hell, Scorpions, Meat Loaf, Quireboys, Motörhead, Dimmu Borgir, Udo, Tokyo Dragons, Quiet Riot, White Lion, Thin Lizzy, Falconer and many others.

But enough of that! Time to get to the real business… What do you do on a rock festival? Drink beer, yes. Listen to music, yes. Meet strange people, yes. But most importantly, you get people to pose with your Sword…of Doooooom! Let’s bring it on… First the naughtier pics:

Let’s move on to some other strange people…

Yes, that was Santa! I got Santa to pose for me! All clean-shaven at that, as well! Now, onto the rest of the sword pics:

“Why so small pictures,” I hear you cry. “You suck!” Well, yes, that I may do, but mostly it’s ’cause this blog’s theme doesn’t like large pictures and I wanted to be sure that the layout wouldn’t get screwed up. If you want to see the full pictures you’ll have to drop by for a visit, and we’ll watch all 350 pictures in high quality while we listen to some Dragonforce.

Finally, there’s one sword-posing pic that I haven’t shown yet. Yours truly, in all his Hawaii-like splendour:

First of all, what are the criteria?

1. The song must have been made exclusively for the game. No covers, no movie songs, etc.
2. Remixes are fine, in the cases where I feel that the remix is an actual improvement.
3. I choose the songs that affect me somehow; I don’t care about musical quality, technical skill and such things.
4. No pooftas!

Okay, let’s bring on the songs… I’ve made an attempt to embed a cool flash-based mp3 player. We’ll see if it works. Try pressing the play button again if the song doesn’t start - that seems to work for me. I hope that some of the songs will touch you like they’ve touched me.

Number 10: Final Fantasy IX – Loss of Me

This marvellous little piano piece is simplistic but extremely emotional. It’s one of the few things I really liked about FF IX; the rest of the game was a bland mix of meh and bleh and yay, but this song stuck out and metaphorically grabbed hold of my metaphorical heart the moment I heard it. The soft piano in the beginning is a great way to conjure a feeling of weakness and hurt.

It’s also not too hard to play on the piano – I managed to struggle my way through the first part after an hour’s training. (Yes, that long. I play the piano about as often as I say no to alcohol.)

Number 9: Mega Man II – Intro

I instinctively feel that this song should be placed higher, but it fits in pretty nicely at place nine. It’s short and sweet and to the point; it contains excellent energy; it really makes me want to get into the action. Despite all of this I must place the other songs higher, because I fear that it’s pure nostalgia that makes this song appealing. It lacks depth somehow.

Either way, it’s a classic and probably a song that would feature on many others’ top ten lists as well. But the next song might be a bit more obscure:

Number 8: Final Fantasy Mystic Quest – Last Castle

What the hell? FF MQ?! Am I insane? That’s a sucky game! Yes, it is – but this song rocks. There’s no other word for it: it just rocks in a way that few other FF songs do. They’re all beautifully composed, but this beast leaps up and grabs you by the throat with its opening riffs. “Look laddie, you’re at the last castle now. You’d better be prepared to kick som ass or go home crying to mama.”

And I can’t tell you how refreshing it was after eight hours or so of dull FF MQ, to finally get close to the end and be greeted by this song!

Number 7: Lotus II – Intro

Time for an Amiga game, and a great racing game to boot. This game looked great, felt great to play, had a good split-screen mode in which one could humiliate one’s friends, and had a kick-ass intro tune. Seriously, just listen to the first minute and tell me that you don’t dig the techno beat accompanied by the catchy melody.

In fact, this is the first song I’m going to play when I finally get my thumb out of the arse and get a driver’s license. It’s going to be so sweet, cruising down the street in a Mazda MX-5 listening to this song. Or possibly the next one…

Number 6: Out Run – Magical Sound Shower

Who doesn’t love the music to Out Run? This is a remix by Instant Remedy, though. I love the original song from ’86, and the new version from Out Run 2 isn’t bad either. However, this remix feels more appropriate for a racing game. I may be a punk rocker at heart, but a melody-driven techno tune with a good beat does get my blood pumping at times.

As you know, you got to select your background music in Out Run. I really don’t see how some people can prefer Splash Wave or …Something Something Breeze to this one. Some people just don’t have any taste.

Number 5: Wizardry – Title

I was never a big fan of Wizardry to be honest, so I don’t remember if this is from the first one or not. This song is actually something of an anomaly in this list: I don’t have a strong connection to the game at all – I simply love the song itself. I can’t even say why it appeals so much to me. It just does. Naa na naa naa na na na na naaa, na na naa na naa na…

Curiously enough, a few years ago I had just picked out this one on guitar when a friend asked me if I could help him write a mobile phone ring tone based on this melody. It seems more people than me get lured in by its intoxicating sound.

Number 4: Cannon Fodder – Intro

A classic from the good ol’ Amiga days! The game was terrific and this song was jaw-dropping. The music is great, the melody is catchy, the sarcasm is stinging – the song is excellent on so many levels. When I listen to it now I can hear the (relatively) bad quality, the slightly off-beat vocal sample joinings…but it doesn’t matter, ’cause the song carries itself well despite that.

I actually taped this song from my TV’s speakers so that I could have it on one of my oh-so-typical-for-the-time mix tapes. I wonder if the terrible sound quality made the low sample quality and the mixing sound a bit better.

Number 3: Turrican II – Level 1

When I do a search for songs from Turrican II I often see the title song remixed. Sorry lads, you’re barking up the wrong tree: the first level tune is the real shit. This is a remix by Pointless Trace, but I think it captures the original very well. Man, how many times did I not start Turrican II only to realize that I had spent a minute listening to the song instead of playing the first level.

Maybe it’s a good thing that I sucked at the game; this way I got to hear the level 1 tune many many times. I doubt I ever came farther than level 2 in the game, in fact. Games were real games back then. Games that didn’t fall over and submit that easily.

Number 2: Enlightenment – Druid II - Title

Speaking of games that won’t submit: this C64 one is a killer. First it begins with a pair of massive doors swinging shut, forming a sinister logo. Then the title screen is shown and this song begins to play. Slow, mysterious and menacing….

After pressing the fire button you’re thrust into a world of constant dread. There are undead everywhere, you must gather spells and defeat the evil demon lords, and it’s all bitching hard. I know that I suck at games, but this can’t have been a simple game for anyone. I think I just managed to kill one of the demon lords!

Many people have made remixes for this song, and I’ve listened through maybe half a dozen of them. Not a single one one-ups the original, though. This version combines sombre beauty with menacing undertones in a marvellous way; the high notes combined with the simple low bass makes it far superior to remixes where there’s simply too much going on. Sometimes less is quite definitely more than… Um. More.

Number 1: Secret of Monkey Island – Title

I know, I know. This is so boringly predictable. But I must give this song the first prize. First of all, the game is one of the best ever. Secondly, the musical quality is astounding with its caribbean steel drums and jazzy undertones and dream-like melodies. Thirdly, I feel that the first version has much better dynamics than – for example – the title to Curse of Monkey Island. It simply speaks to me in a more powerful way.

And no, I’m not insane. It doesn’t really speak to me. It just whispers suggestions for what I should do. “Make me number one in your list,” for example.

Of course there are countless other worthy songs that are omitted from this list: Bubble Bobble, Last Ninja, IK+, Bomb Jack, Wizard & Warriors, Pinball Fantasies, and many more. They’re all great in their own ways, but they mostly conjure nostalgia in me; they don’t really affect me as much as these do. That’s actually pretty amusing considering that there are basically no new games featured in my list: obviously I am letting nostalgia guide my decisions to some extent. But to my defense I must also claim that newer games may have technically superior music, but the melodies are almost non-existent. How am I supposed to remember the music from Titan Quest or Half-Life 2 for example?

One modern game has impressed me immensely with its music, though, and I’ve found myself humming many of its songs. Guess which one?

Guitar Hero II.

Go figure.

Either way, I found something vaguely interesting that I thought fit to post. Let me start at the beginning. I was reading a Something Awful article which – for some reason – made me look up Italian ice cream on Wikipedia. This led me to read up on the origins of the banana split and other stuff, and about the history of ice cream in general. This, in turn, led me to ice cream brands, and Häagen-Dazs in particular. There I noted that the name is an example of foreign branding; it’s just a made-up name intended to look cool. (Ah-hah. Pun intended.) Another typical form of foreign branding is the heavy metal umlaut.

Still with me? See why I don’t get stuff done – I read too much useless crap on the net.

Now for an interlude. Years and years ago I heard an amusing anecdote about an American band called Troja who decided to print t-shirts for their tour. This was all fine and well…until they got to Sweden. The t-shirts were inexplicably sold out. Why?! All they had done was add a cool umlaut to the o in their name.

The Swedes who are reading this are grinning by now, but I’ll delay the punchline for a little while nonetheless.

Through Wikipedia I finally found a reference to the actual incident; the anecdote is finally verified. The band was in fact called Trojan, and this incident was a cause of their album Chasing the Storm. Oh yes. The album cover shows their uber-cool name: Tröjan.

Okay, here’s the punchline for the non-Swedes: in Swedish tröjan means the shirt. I would definitely have bought that t-shirt!

Anyway, I have this game idea, and I’d love to make music a more integral part of the gameplay. One way would be to feature sound effects that act like instruments in the music, and make sure that they play in the correct places. But that wouldn’t really fit in well with the current idea, so I thought about dynamically changing background music instead. A common way to do this is to have context-sensitive music in the game - for example, increase intensity when there’s danger nearby. That’s is a way of using music to convey an emotional message; give feedback that will increase the intensity of the current emotion. Personally, I’m more interesting in using dynamic music for variation and to convey information instead – I intend to not weight in any emotional content into the variations.

I put together a quick test to see if this would work practically:

http://www.cynicalstuff.com/files/CruxTest.zip
(1 MB, 800×600 windowed application that plays music according to the mouse position. See below for more information)

Here’s a screenshot of how it looks in action. Impressive, ne?

http://www.cynicalstuff.com/files/cruxtest.jpg

This is the basic idea:

I have nine different sound clips:

• Background music (piano)
• Drums (two intensities)
• Bass (two intensities)
• Oboe (two intensities)
• Synthish dooh-sound (two intensities)

There are five clips playing at the same time. The background never changes, but if you look at the screenshot you’ll note that there are floating-point values for axis 1 and 2. This determines the intensity and volume of the other sound clips.

Axis 1:

This is the x-axis, and the rythm axis. To the far left you have low-intensity drums but high-intensity bass, and the bass are the loudest. The reverse is true to the far right.

Axis 2:

This is the y-axis, and the melody axis. In the upper part you have the synthish dooh melody, and in the bottom, you have the oboe melody. If the dooh or oboe is at low intensity, they simply play notes to follow the chords instead of the melody.

The music loops every 10 seconds, and the clip types are updated then. It’s a relatively long time, but I thought that it’d be too annoying with rapid changes. If you wish to speed things up and restart the loop with the current axis settings, simply press the mouse button.

Now, I think that this works pretty well. Of course, 10 second clips won’t do! More variation in the music is definitely necessary, but this illustrates the basic dynamics idea. If the game has two clearly visible attributes that change to and fro over time, this will hopefully give both visual and audial feedback. My hope is that the player will become more immersed with a system like this; especially if the four corners of the music are even more diverse. For example, there could be more separated themes to the different corners: woodwind/guitar/bass/drums. Or even flute/distorted guitar/techno drums/”real” drums, that refer to four different visual themes in the game. A kind of “natural versus electronical” battle, where the goal is to make them all co-exist in harmony; to find the balancing point. Thus the name Crux for this project.

I think that this could work pretty well. But am I barking up the wrong tree here? Is there some more common method that’s normally used? Am I re-inventing the wheel completely?

If you’re not familiar with gamedev.net, take a look at the Help Wanted forum for many examples of youthful enthusiasm. I find it tragic that there’s a need for a sticky Teams That Can thread, to show the teams that actually produce a finished game. While I still have a decent amount of hubris and self-conceit, I think that I’m beginning to aim suitably low/high with my hobby projects these days. Of course, this mostly applies to art and programming. Writing is still unknown territory for me; I never know if I can produce high enough quality, or how long it will take me. Music is another area like that. At times I receive the urge to fire up Sibelius (a gorgeous MIDI-based program where you work with music sheets instead of a sequencer layout; too bad that their website sucks worse than a Thai hooker) and attempt to produce a pseudo-baroque ensemble piece. Let’s just say that my harmonies and melodies are decent, but the overall composition is generally atrocious.

Yesterday I speed-watched some episodes of Swedish Idol. (This means that I fast forwarded through all the talking, and listened to each performance for a few seconds before I listened to what the jury had to say.) This was pretty educational, and one thing in particular struck me as interesting: a timid girl sang Forever Young; her tone was weak, but it was clear and perfect company to the piano’s soft notes. The jury commented that she had made an excellent choice: by choosing a slow and sombre song, her weak voice dominated the song instead of being drowned as it might have been otherwise.

This made me consider some of the songs I’ve recorded and the importance of not only aiming suitably high, but also trying to find the best job for your tools. I’ve always had a fascination for metal and punk, and I think I’ve always preferred to record relatively hard music. Combined with the fact that I have a high and pretty weak voice, this is not optimal.

After listening to a few old songs of mine, I’ve come to realize that the best utilization of my voice is probably in two songs: a pretty emotional goth-pop-rock song called Tainted, and a humorous song called Heartbeat. The latter is just a simple recording, but the concept with a guitar and a lone singer works akin to the girl in Idol.

Download Tainted (4 MB)
http://www.cynicalstuff.com/files/Karja_-_Tainted.mp3

Download Heartbeat (4,5 MB)
http://www.cynicalstuff.com/files/Karja_-_Heartbeat.mp3

Note that I’m not saying that the songs are good; just that my voice fits better with these kinds of songs. I think I’ll attempt another goth-inspired song and see if it works better for me than my metal/punk songs.

Lyrics, for the ones interested:

Tainted (Miro Karjalainen 2000)

A silence echoes through the dark
Where twisted shadows leave their marks
I stand alone, I have no sight
My tears fall silent in the night

One time I thought I saw a man
I saw his footsteps in the sand
He shimmered and vanished from my sight
My tears fell silent in the night

The loneliness grows everyday
No-one is here to lead the way
I cannot see, my eyes are blind
Tainted souls are left behind

An endless mourning, silent dance
Where no-one gets another chance
The day it dawns without a light
Eternal tears – eternal night

The loneliness grows everyday
No-one is here to lead the way
I cannot see, my eyes are blind
Tainted souls are left behind

The loneliness grows everyday
No-one is here to lead the way
I cannot see, my eyes are blind
Tainted souls are left behind
They say that sinners go to hell
If this is true I cannot tell
Eternal torment would be kind
But tainted souls are left behind

Heartbeat (Miro Karjalainen/Pätr 1999)

I don’t wanna feel your heart beat
I don’t wanna feel your pain
I don’t wanna be right next to you
After what you did to me

I was getting home for supper
You were lying in our bed
You were sleeping with another
Now I wanna see you dead

Oh, my darling, why did you have to lie
Oh, my darling, I can’t stop cry
Oh, my darling, why did you have to lie
Now you’re gonna have to die

I wanna cut you up in pieces
I wanna smear you on the wall
I wanna do all those things to you
We couldn’t do when we were small

Oh, darling, have you noticed
That axe behind my back
I wanna introduce you
To my black plastic sack

Oh, my darling, why did you have to lie
Oh, my darling, I can’t stop cry
Oh, my darling, why did you have to lie
Now you’re gonna have to die

I planned a set of nine songs that would cover the first book very loosely. I decided not to follow the story itself, but to make introspective songs instead, concerning Covenant’s feelings. This way, they wouldn’t become entirely incomprehensible for people who haven’t read the books; and I could experiment with the structures and lyrics. In January 2002 I started recording a number of these songs in my home studio (also known as guitar, amp, mic and computer), but to my dismay I never finished the whole set of songs. Just three and a half songs were recorded at that time.

This was the intended list of songs:

1. Intro – Alone
2. The Leper – In Which the Outcast is Presented
3. Another World – Wherein His Secret Desires Surface
4. Regrets – The Inevitable Pain He Has Caused Troubles Him Relentlessly
5. Falling Leaves – In Which He Understands the Lack of Free Will
6. Tempations – He Lets Others Decide Despite the Duality of His Needs
7. Lord Foul – Evil Cannot Sate His Complex Needs
8. (Never wrote this one)
9. Outro – Alone

Yes, I went for the silly style with a name for the song followed by a ridiculously long subtitle. This was intended to be epic, after all. In case you’re feeling masochistic or curious, feel free to download

Karja – The Leper.mp3 (4 MB; power metal with synths and whatnot)
or
Karja – Regrets.mp3 (3,8 MB; a somber ballad)

Some technical information: the foundation of the songs consist of drums (in XM format), bass (tracked along with the drums) and synths added on top of this. I like tracking, and the results are pretty decent. I track it all together in order to be able to play the guitar along with the XM – that way I can adapt and change things that don’t work, without having to record the guitar. After I’m satisfied with the tracked works, I create separate WAV tracks from each instrument type, for the mixing. (Drums, bass, synth 1, synth 2 most of the time.) After that comes the guitar. This often consists of between two and four guitar recordings; two rythm guitars panned to the left and right, and one or two melodies on top of that. All guitar and XM tracks are mixed together - I use n-Track Studio for this – and the vocals are recorded at last, once I have a complete instrumental song to sing along to.

The results are decent, but not great. This is due to several reasons: first of all, the quality isn’t great. Using the XM format means that the quality of those tracks won’t become better than the samples I use, and recording guitar and vocals in my bedroom with lousy equipment just won’t produce great sound. On top of that, there’s the problem of working as a solo artist. At this time I was still pretty used to having my old punk band, and relying on everyone in the group to suggest variations and improvements; when you’re on your own, you don’t have anything other than your own meager talent. This goes for songwriting and composition as well as technical skills. The songs would’ve been much better if I’d had some additional musicians to help me with my all-too-numerous musical weak points.

Working on your own is great, but I sorely missed having others in order to make the end result better.

For clarity’s and sanity’s sake I’d better post the lyrics to the songs above as well:

The Leper (Miro Karjalainen 2001)

The leper stands alone, he cannot see the light
He watches endlessly, he watches without sight
Silent tears that never form (They never give relief)
Feelings that are buried deep (They never shall emerge)

In the misty light he sees
No hope or beauty – he watches himself
He longs not for what cannot be
His dreams have vanished, like shadows in the dawn

For he stands by himself (Outcast! Unclean!)
And he knows he is doomed to die just like he lives

The leper stands alone, he cannot see the light
He watches endlessly, he watches without sight
Silent tears that never form (They never give relief)
Feelings that are buried deep (They never shall emerge)

Facing the world, he has no choice
An endless dying – he’s fading away
He can hear a silent voice
Whispering – of death

For he stands by himself (Outcast! Unclean!)
And he knows he is doomed to die just like he lives

The leper stands alone, he cannot see the light
He watches endlessly, he watches without sight
Silent tears that never form (They never give relief)
Feelings that are buried deep (They never shall emerge)

Regrets (Miro Karjalainen 2001)

I know so well that I have sinned
I know so well that I deserve the pain I feel
I cannot dwell on what I’ve done

And yet the torment carries on
Another sleepless night is followed by dawn
I wish my feelings could be gone
All I have is the pain
- and regrets

I know just what I should have done
I offer no excuses; an explanation an the truth
I have nothing more to give
Than my pain

Forgive me if you feel you can
Forgive me if you find the strength within yourself
I know I can’t forgive myself

My silent torment carries on
Another sleepless night is followed by dawn
I wish my feelings could be gone
All I have is the pain
- and regrets

All I have is the pain
- and regrets

Wacken Pros

• I could possibly get the trip and the ticket relatively cheaply
• I’ve never been to a German festival
• I could see Lake of Tears; granted, I’m not familiar with much more than Raistlin and the Rose, but I adore that song
• I could see Scorpions. No, you’re not getting a link to them – if you don’t know of ‘em, you should be ashamed of yourself
• I could see Opeth, In Extremo, Nocturnal Rites, Soulfly, Morbid Angel and Finntroll.
• I could also see Victory, Celtic Frost, Nevermore, Arch Enemy, Fear Factory, Gamma Ray, Whitesnake, Motörhead and other bands.
• They have Disco & Metal Karaoke – please, my heart, be still!

Wacken Cons

• I’m not very excited about Opeth, In Extremo, Nocturnal Rites, Soulfly, Morbid Angel, Finntroll or Lake of Tears
• I have seen most of the other bands I mentioned elsewhere
• What if I find a nice last minute trip to some awesome country, and it happens to be in the beginning of August?

The main negative side to Wacken is that despite a good lineup, there are no bands that I’m particularly interested in there. Decisions, decisions. I wonder of others feel this indecisive when it comes to simple things like planning their vacation!

At times I wish that I had an expert system with a specialization in vacation planning. That would definitely be a help right now. Parameters could be mood, money, time, interests, marital status, age and so on. It could scan the Internet for possible recreational options, and aid with this god-awful decision making.